Sunday, June 27, 2010

Expectations

Several months ago, since I thought we had problems with alcohol I went to AA. It was amazing, awesome, I loved it so much I was a little disappointed to find out I'm not an alcoholic. I thought I was. It's nothing like what TV and movies show. I didn't want to go because of that so I went to meetings online first, which was cool so I went to the real thing, people, don't be afraid, it's cool..

On another subject I was just reading an old email I hadn't read and it had "Why Is Marriage So Difficult?
By Gary Smalley"
And I found some good points though I'm free not to try anymore (yay) - "...Years ago I asked five divorced women, individually, "If your husband began treating you in a consistently loving manner, would you take him back?" "Of course I would," each replied. But, unfortunately, none had hope that her husband would ever be like that. Because I knew one of the men personally, I had to concur with his wife's hopelessness. If he were willing to try, he could win her back. Unfortunately, he wasn't interested in learning." Yep, exactly. One person can't do it all. The other day I was browsing the TV Menu and saw Dr. Phil was going to help a troubled marriage. I used to always record those and pay such close attention and try to learn and use what I'd learned. Thank God I don't have to do that anymore. One of us never tried before, now we have one thing in common.

Also by Gary Smalley - "We often violate the relationship laws inherent in marriage, and then we wonder why it all goes sour. But we wouldn't wonder if the law of aerodynamics sent a one-winged airplane plummeting to the earth. Imagine yourself an aerospace engineer working for NASA. Your job is to put several men on the moon, but something goes wrong halfway though their flight. You wouldn't dream of walking out on the entire project because something went wrong. Instead, you and the other engineers would put your heads together and work like crazy to solve the crisis! If the project had failed altogether, you still wouldn't forsake it. You would study what happened and modify it to avoid similar problems in the future." Here are the operative words "you and the other engineers would put your heads together and work like crazy to solve the crisis". What if you were expected to do it all by yourself and the other engineers sabotaged the shuttle? You try to fix it but they keep wrecking it. Over and over and over times Pi. Some men are all about the chase, once the rings have landed they think the shuttle can't crash, it's a done deal. By the way, I have put several men on the moon (snap ;-p)

You know what? People don't change, really, it's not just a cliché.

K, back to "sexy man" - I told him since hubby and I can't get a real divorce I'm not up for our impending fling. Hubby and I laid down some ground rules and the main one for him was no gettin' jiggy wit' it in our house. K, hubby didn't say it that way but I kinda like the song. Sexy Man was very cool about it, said he understands I would like us to be friends only (this happened yesterday). Today he drove by my house three times. The next one won't know where I live.

I attract men like moths to a flame and I know why... too much estrogen. I'm trying to bring it down with herbal supplements but it's still high, causes all kinds of physical problems but men are attracted to it. I saw a show where women just recorded their voices at different times of the month and someone else played the recordings for men and the men thought the women were sexy who were at their estrogen peeks. Then they heard the same women at a different time of the month and didn't think they sounded sexy.

I attract the wrong men though. The more barbaric kind that couldn't survive without a woman. They need someone to figure their finances and clean up after them, the kind that still live with their mother.

So, I used to think I just need a man with a penis and a pulse but looks like I'll have to up my standards because that's all I'll get.

Wow, is it too much to ask for a man with a... a... brain too?

My new standards:
  • someone who doesn't live with his mama or wife (oh my gosh),
  • has a job and a car or truck,
  • isn't a substance abuser (no illegal drugs at all),
  • no domestic violence charges ever,
  • doesn't wear clothes with holes in them (good grief, some of the guys I see out there),
  • no facial hair (well I just don't like it),
  • decent credit score (not that I want his credit, just shows he's responsible to some extent, can take care of his own finances).
  • Oh yeah, a penis and a pulse and a partridge and a pear tree (kidding on the last two but you might giggle next Christmas).

Is that too much? Just for a bootie call?

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Divorce Poem

This is super silly but not long ago hubby and I were talking about the divorce and he said "we got married for all the wrong reasons", and I agreed. We were trying to right a wrong in a way. So he went to bed and I came into the office and wrote down our Divorce Poem, don't know how many beers came before this, around six or seven.

We had our own wrongs that
We tried to make right but
In the process we lost sight,
The wrongs were always trite.
Each year it just got worse and
We finally buried that beaten horse.
With a Divorce!

LOL. Hubby likes it.

He went to talk with a lawyer because the Divorce Writer wouldn't let us split things, like both still owning the house. Apparently, you can't get a divorce and keep any joint property. We're fine as room mates and will keep it that way and will continue to be legally married but we'll come up with a written, signed, and notarized agreement stating we don't consider ourselves married and have no marital obligations to each other. We'll pray that God will recognize our pathetic version of divorce. From what I interpreted from the Bible, you just need papers and we'll have a paper anyway. You might be wondering why we don't just put the house in one of our names - say it's in my name and hubby is just living here, then I go get in a car wreck and die, the bank will take hubby's house away from him. No way.

I believe the Ten Commandments were written to protect us, the same way a parent has rules to protect their children. They don't say "don't play in traffic" to steal their child's joy of playing in traffic, of course, they say it so the kid won't get hurt. "You shall not commit adultery" is perfectly understandable because we have hormones and serotonin that sort of trick us into feeling like we're in love with the person we're having sex with, which would hurt a normal marriage (you know, if your partner isn't your spouse). Speaking of that, those feelings are also what help save marriages when there has been abuse, or arguments - people always say "make up sex is great". When you don't have it, or even an apology without having to ask, all the hurtful things said snowball, just keep adding up. Last time hubby really insulted me I told him "every time was like a brick in the wall around me, the wall is very high and the roof has been put on, I'm done". Sex could have made those bricks less sturdy but there was nothing to make me feel close to hubby and everything needed for distance. I haven't been with anyone else but I can imagine how great they'd seem next to hubby if I had. Nope, still not an adulterer.

We'll have our divorce on our anniversary next month. Ah, sweet freedom.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Divorce

Hooray! Hubby and I stayed up very late talking again last night and we are getting a divorce! It should be simple enough. :-)

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Update and Plan

The last time I posted, almost a year ago was the beginning and the end of my affair with my husband. He has gotten better about his drinking, doesn't start in the morning anymore (or he hides it), he's gotten better by not criticizing everything I do, and he pays attention when I talk to him but that's it, too little too late. I told him not long ago I think we should get a divorce and he agreed so I started the papers. Then a family member was apparently sick so I agreed to move out of state to help. That's when hubby said he didn't want a divorce, we could work it out. Gullible me agreed but nothing ever happened. We simply have no business being married. He asked once if I wanted to have sex and I said no, I just don't feel that way about him anymore. All I want from him is to treat me like I'm a real person, mow the lawn (literally), and pay his share of the bills.

So, of course, an extramarital affair didn't leave my mind for very long. I set up another account at Ashley Madison but the guys there seem a little creepy so I deleted my account. At least they're creative in figuring out a thousand different ways to say "beaver eater" and give themselves that screen name. (sigh with rolled eyes)

We agreed again on divorce but can't afford it. Still afraid of picking up "Mr. Goodbar" at a bar I figured this is just my stupid lot in life - a sexless, loveless, emotionless marriage and I should throw myself into work and learning, which I did.

The other night I was talking with a guy I've always found super sexy and he said out of the clear blue sky all the things I wanted to hear. He thinks I'm super sexy and understands sometimes married people are missing something. He's ready, willing and able to fill the void and that's it, no strings. He put it a lot more eloquently but there you have the summary. I told him I'd love to but am religious and married so I'd have to think about it. And good grief I have, constantly. We did kiss and it was ultra hot! I've looked up all I can find on adultery and still know it's a sin but there's nothing in the Bible that I can find that talks about being too broke and in debt to get a divorce.

Here's the plan - sitting down with "sexy man" and going over the ground rules which would be not telling anyone or getting attached. If one starts feeling too emotional it's over right away. I told him the other night hubby and I were going to get a divorce but couldn't afford it and he seemed a little sad, "naa, don't do that, he's a good guy". Yep, they know each other which isn't good. Another not good thing is he knows where I live. Good thing is we seem to want the same thing for now but he is looking for Miss Right. I hope he finds her but he must always know it's not me.

Again, I go back and forth in my head, should I? Of course not but am I going to? Probably. Am I really supposed to be this unhappy in life to get to Heaven? Probably. I won't be tempted to leave and be with "sexy man" permanently, I know now that really doesn't work at all.

I'll let you know! :-)