Goin' through the big "D" and don't mean Dallas

Thank God for divorce!

Well soon to be ex hubby did a couple of really, really irresponsible things (one was actually illegal and the other would've cost me around $2,500 which I don't have). So I told him I want a divorce and he said OK. Woohoo! He had never lived alone before but he is now because I got a fabulous apartment and every day is a joy! I thought for so long I was supposed to stay married and give everything I could but I was wrong. Some people will take advantage of that until I'm living under a bridge and he finds some other sap to mooch off of.

God and divorce - as far as I can tell the Bible says basically to sign some papers and you're divorced. I wish it was that easy still today but, thankfully, it's not impossible. It takes a couple of months but not as much money as I thought it would be. Divorcewriter.com gave me the papers and instructions and the final court date is still over a month away. Far enough in the future he could still destroy my credit (which he admitted he was with me for anyway) but the papers we signed said not to do that so maybe it'll help.

I want people to know that being in a terrible marriage isn't the way you're supposed to live your life. People who have never experienced it probably won't understand. Can you imagine if the people I work with knew what I'd been doing these past several months? They'd stone me to death. I know it isn't how I was supposed to live my life because I've been blessed with so many things since I left, some even before I left. I have the most amazing boyfriend! Sleep at night, peace, joy, happiness, and a much closer relationship with God.

My boyfriend... pure joy. I know I said I wasn't going to get into a serious relationship but I have. He's the best, treats me like the queen wishes she could be treated... always, every single day. I can't quite put him into words. Passionate, generous, loving, fun, sweet, and of course, a little off the beaten path. If he wasn't he wouldn't have dated me while I was still living with ex. Yep, he's the one who lives with his mother but for very good reason and I totally understand. I told him before I even moved out I didn't want to see anyone else anymore, just him. He said he didn't either.

K, that's it for now. Take care out there! I won't take so long to update again. :-)

Friends with Benefits

I am really enjoying myself with two friends with benefits. One of the things that is so great about them both is they're completely unavailable so I never have to worry about any sort of serious relationship developing. I met another super nice guy through a local dating site I like a lot but we haven't done much past kissing. He might be the nicest person I've ever met which is a huge red flag and of course he doesn't have a job and lives with his mother. We get along so well though and he turns me on so we'll have to wait and see...

Hooked or Hooker?

I kept wondering why my second date kept asking if I'd left anything in the room. "No" I said. "Are you sure", "yep, positive". "Really sure?" "Yes", starting to wonder, looking at my purse next to me. We said goodbye outside and left me the key. I said I would get some water for my car and leave the key in the room and he left. I was opening my hood when he came back, went in and got the water for me and asked again if I'd left anything. Strange, I thought. He had said earlier, when we were at the bar, in a joking way that he was a cop but said in a serious way he did (this) for (this company). I bet he'd left money in the room, lol. If he was going to bust me for prostitution he wouldn't have done me first, would he? Funny! I emailed him when I got home and thanked him for helping with my car and making me weak in the knees and he never emailed back. Well, that's just impolite. ;-)

Again, just warning anyone out there who's reading this because they're thinking about doing what I'm doing.

Why People Cheat

The charmer and I sent pics back and forth but wanted to step it up a notch. I put on the nightie (very pretty lace with nothing underneath) I bought for my wedding night, set the timer and clicked away. He said "very, very beautiful (my name)". Know what my hubby said on our wedding night? "You look like a doily". I'm serious. Anyway, after around 160 emails and a few phone calls I think I caught him in some lies so I ended it last night before we ever met. I was afraid of how I was getting too, like a lab rat running for the heroine and ignoring the water, I kept running to my computer to see what sweet thing he said to me, not getting things done I wanted to do, and drinking and smoking too much because I was so wound up. He knew exactly what I wanted to hear and I was hooked. I didn't confront him with the lies but instead played the "it's not you it's me" card. It was really harder then I thought and as usual, he was so sweet about it though he tried to talk me out of it at first. He said he was always there if I ever change my mind and went away gracefully. I know I did the right thing but I'm starting to cry so moving on...

I wasn't going to see married men but I figured as long as they aren't planning to change their marital status it would deter a serious relationship and I'd feel like a hypocrite since I'm legally married if I judged them (for lack of a better word). I'm definitely taking a break from serious relationships, maybe forever. Research shows that most men who cheat on their wives don't do it because the other woman is prettier, younger, or thinner, they do it because of the way the other woman makes them feel. If you tell him and show him he's special he'll most likely never give "me" a second glance. Men, same goes for you. The ones I've talked to stay married because of kids or they love and get along with their wives, there's just no sex.

My "ex" hubby's brain is deteriorating even more from the alcohol or he's had a mini stroke. I swear I wish I could help him. It's not looking like we'll be room mates for the rest of our lives.

I'm seeing the first guy again in a couple of days. In our emails setting up our next date, I basically told him I'm capable of multiple orgasms and he said I can cum as many times as I want, he can cum around three times. Cool!

So Turned On

I have never been this turned on in my entire life. I'm literally shaking. He says I'm beautiful and sexy and he can't wait to hold me tight and make love to me over and over and over!

I'm actually glad it'll be a week in a way. I need to get plenty of good cardio workouts in and take better care of myself.

So far we have fifty one emails back and forth and I'll call him tonight.

Alright, signing off of here for a week or so. Be careful out there!

The Third Time is a Charmer

The one who wants to be friends too is amazing. At first our emails to each other were a little goofy and light but that has changed dramatically. He is so super sweet and sexy! I didn't call him yesterday, but emailed to ask when would be a good time to call tomorrow. He told me, I did and he sounds perfect, very well spoken without being stiff or fake. He seems so cool, cool enough for me to wait a week and not even talk with any other guys who answered the ad. The main thing that put him behind in priority was he didn't sent a pic right away, even after I did. This was never a beauty contest but I wanted someone to know if one sends a pic the other sends one right back, common courtesy. He apologized, said he forgot, and sent one. He's very different looking, can't really describe without going into detail, but it works for me. :-)

I feel I must tell you all, the first two had their downsides. They were a little rough at times which was OK with me because I was actually being touched and not criticized. Endorphins are stronger pain killers then morphine. I'm OK, really fine, just wanted to put a warning out for people who are thinking about doing what I've done.

Ooo, just got another email from the sweetheart, be back in a bit.

Sexy, white hot emails, two of them so I replied and ex came in.

Take care. See you soon!

Stood on a Mountain Top

Mmm, another wonderful knight. This one is married, the last one wasn't. I almost feel a tinge of guilt but not much, married people need some lovin' too. If I hadn't posted my ad he would've found someone else.

Have you ever stood on a mountain top, looked down breathlessly below at beautiful, raw nature and thought "I have to imprint this in my mind so I can see it in memories forever"? I have, and tonight I did just that again. Looking at his amazing naked body was breath taking. I wished I could take a picture. He liked my legs, they are almost freakishly long. He really had a good sense of humor too, pillow talk after was hilarious! The first knight was gorgeous too, don't know how I got this lucky. Maybe God thinks I've been through enough hell for now.

I told hubby yesterday I didn't know he was off work today so I had a date. He didn't have a problem with it. He was passed out, as usual, while I was getting ready and I couldn't wait to get out of the house. He told me to "be careful" on my way out and I said I would. He gave me a big hug before he went to bed and said "you're my bestest (not a typo) friend" and I said "you're mine too". I'm not completely positive but I think I'm having my cake and eating it too.

Speaking of friends, friends with benefits, I'm doing a bang up job at getting the benefits but there is one guy who does seem to want to be friends too. I haven't met him yet but will in a little over a week. He's so nice and a little bit goofy in emails and we have exchanged cell numbers too though I haven't talked with him yet. I think I'll call him tomorrow just to say hi. Of course I'll let you know how that goes.

Sex addiction - oh my gosh, I can understand it. This feeling, afterward too, is like joy that is so relaxing and peaceful. And no hangover!

The one thing I'm not sure about is if most women are finished after one orgasm. I'm not but the guys seem to think I would be. I think most guys are finished after one but after about half hour they can go again right? (I'm still here, naked, touching you) isn't a clear sign that I want to go again is it? Will be more verbal next time. :-) The most orgasms I've had in one round was seven, and yes I thought I was going to die but was absolutely fine with that. Seriously, I needed water and barely had the energy to drink. That was eleven years ago and the guy and I had different paths to take, wanted different things, and I was the one to break it off. I found his social networking page not long ago and he has everything he wanted including a beautiful family, well done! By the way, during the big seven, we had music on and one of the songs that played was Slow Ride by Sublime. I still listen to that song now and again, and again, and again, and...

Marrital Abuse Can Be So Insidious

You don't really know how bad it is until you get away from it. Then, as usual, hind sight is 20 20.

I told ex everything I did and read him the ad. He said "cool". I'm so happy he's happy for me! Of course it doesn't really matter but we do want to stay room mates and BFFs so it's good.

Update, I just walked into the room he was in and he said "it's good to see you alive again"! I swear, why'd he kill me? Stupid man. Man, I feel like a woman!

My Craigslist Ad

OK, you talked me into it, well not really. ;-) This was my ad:

(title) Looking for a SWM or MWM FwB 36-49 Years Old

Hi guys!

I'll tell you who I'm looking for first and why so I don't waste your time then will tell you a little about me, K?

Other then what's in the title, I'm looking for someone who's easy going, polite, considerate, honest, has a sense of humor, drug free, fairly well endowed, and at least 6' tall with proportional weight. I like the blue jean tee shirt type as long as there aren't any holes in them, you're clean, and don't have a mustache and/or beard. After exchanging pics and a few emails and we agree we'd like to meet, it would be in a casual bar, restaurant, or coffee shop in (edit - my city) and if we find we have chemistry we could drive separately to a motel / hotel, go in together and you would pay for the room and use a condom you brought. Why all that? If you're a sociopath who would like to get a lady alone to hold hostage or be violent toward in any way you've probably already stopped reading. If you have no vehicle or income you've already stopped reading and won't be after mine. I'm not after yours. If you aren't prepared with condoms you're either crazy or incapable of thinking ahead. (Edit - my city) because it's close to me and my car needs a tune up. Will try and get that done next week and if there's a next time I can drive to where you are. :-)

I have the same characteristics I'm looking for in a man but not quite as tall. I'm intelligent but simple. I smoke around a half a pack of cigarettes per day but nothing else. I like beer and wine but don't drink every day. I am legally married but my husband and I consider ourselves divorced and expect each other to date other people. We don't date each other or have an intimate relationship but we still live together. I'll be happy to tell you why we're still married in an email if you want to know (it's not for a green card, I am American). If you're married, I completely, seriously, understand what a bad marriage is so I absolutely don't blame or disrespect you for stepping out for a little joy. No questions asked, tell me about it if you want to. Your secrets are safe with me.

If you fit the description above, agree that it's a good plan (it's not negotiable), are interested in me, and have no intentions of trying to change my mind then I'd like to be your soft place to land after a hard day, or any day. Please reply with "a good plan" in the subject line.

Thank you for reading! :-)

Men seem to like when we tell them what we want, unless they're an ol' drunk like mine, ooo, my ex!

The whole time I was debating with myself to do it or not this song kept playing in my head - Tracy Chapman's Fast Car This line especially - "...leave tonight or live and die this way". But there's so much I can relate to in that song, just in a different ways. Like -"I know things will get better" ... "You see my old man's got a problem he live with the bottle that's the way it is" ... "And finally see what it means to be living" ... "And I had a feeling that I belonged and I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone". And I did, I feel like I'm someone, ah.

Ah, Sweet Relief

I posted an ad on Craigslist last Friday (day before yesterday). Got lots of responses but had a great feeling about one in particular. My ad got flagged and removed 3.5 hours after it went up which was great because I had plenty of replies already. If you'd like to see it I'll post it here, just ask. Anyway, we emailed back and forth quite a bit and set the date for today at 3:00. He did everything right, wow, and oh my gosh I feel human again after six years of feeling mostly contempt and sorrow. Or maybe I feel like softened butter and I like it. Thank you God!

I keep shaking my head because I can still smell his cologne in my hair, mmm. Don't want to wash this man right out of my hair! :-)

Finally Divorced! (sort of)

Hip, hip, hooray! Ex-hubby surprised me with a piece of paper on Independence Day that he had already signed and dated and then I signed it too. We didn't get it notarized though, it was almost midnight. I loved the idea to do it on Independence Day!

Thank God this six year long nightmare is over. Onward and upward! :-)

Expectations

Several months ago, since I thought we had problems with alcohol I went to AA. It was amazing, awesome, I loved it so much I was a little disappointed to find out I'm not an alcoholic. I thought I was. It's nothing like what TV and movies show. I didn't want to go because of that so I went to meetings online first, which was cool so I went to the real thing, people, don't be afraid, it's cool..

On another subject I was just reading an old email I hadn't read and it had "Why Is Marriage So Difficult?
By Gary Smalley"
And I found some good points though I'm free not to try anymore (yay) - "...Years ago I asked five divorced women, individually, "If your husband began treating you in a consistently loving manner, would you take him back?" "Of course I would," each replied. But, unfortunately, none had hope that her husband would ever be like that. Because I knew one of the men personally, I had to concur with his wife's hopelessness. If he were willing to try, he could win her back. Unfortunately, he wasn't interested in learning." Yep, exactly. One person can't do it all. The other day I was browsing the TV Menu and saw Dr. Phil was going to help a troubled marriage. I used to always record those and pay such close attention and try to learn and use what I'd learned. Thank God I don't have to do that anymore. One of us never tried before, now we have one thing in common.

Also by Gary Smalley - "We often violate the relationship laws inherent in marriage, and then we wonder why it all goes sour. But we wouldn't wonder if the law of aerodynamics sent a one-winged airplane plummeting to the earth. Imagine yourself an aerospace engineer working for NASA. Your job is to put several men on the moon, but something goes wrong halfway though their flight. You wouldn't dream of walking out on the entire project because something went wrong. Instead, you and the other engineers would put your heads together and work like crazy to solve the crisis! If the project had failed altogether, you still wouldn't forsake it. You would study what happened and modify it to avoid similar problems in the future." Here are the operative words "you and the other engineers would put your heads together and work like crazy to solve the crisis". What if you were expected to do it all by yourself and the other engineers sabotaged the shuttle? You try to fix it but they keep wrecking it. Over and over and over times Pi. Some men are all about the chase, once the rings have landed they think the shuttle can't crash, it's a done deal. By the way, I have put several men on the moon (snap ;-p)

You know what? People don't change, really, it's not just a cliché.

K, back to "sexy man" - I told him since hubby and I can't get a real divorce I'm not up for our impending fling. Hubby and I laid down some ground rules and the main one for him was no gettin' jiggy wit' it in our house. K, hubby didn't say it that way but I kinda like the song. Sexy Man was very cool about it, said he understands I would like us to be friends only (this happened yesterday). Today he drove by my house three times. The next one won't know where I live.

I attract men like moths to a flame and I know why... too much estrogen. I'm trying to bring it down with herbal supplements but it's still high, causes all kinds of physical problems but men are attracted to it. I saw a show where women just recorded their voices at different times of the month and someone else played the recordings for men and the men thought the women were sexy who were at their estrogen peeks. Then they heard the same women at a different time of the month and didn't think they sounded sexy.

I attract the wrong men though. The more barbaric kind that couldn't survive without a woman. They need someone to figure their finances and clean up after them, the kind that still live with their mother.

So, I used to think I just need a man with a penis and a pulse but looks like I'll have to up my standards because that's all I'll get.

Wow, is it too much to ask for a man with a... a... brain too?

My new standards:

• someone who doesn't live with his mama or wife (oh my gosh),
  
• has a job and a car or truck,
  
• isn't a substance abuser (no illegal drugs at all),
  
• no domestic violence charges ever,
  
• doesn't wear clothes with holes in them (good grief, some of the guys I see out there),
  
• no facial hair (well I just don't like it),
  
• decent credit score (not that I want his credit, just shows he's responsible to some extent, can take care of his own finances).
  
• Oh yeah, a penis and a pulse and a partridge and a pear tree (kidding on the last two but you might giggle next Christmas).

Is that too much? Just for a bootie call?

Divorce Poem

This is super silly but not long ago hubby and I were talking about the divorce and he said "we got married for all the wrong reasons", and I agreed. We were trying to right a wrong in a way. So he went to bed and I came into the office and wrote down our Divorce Poem, don't know how many beers came before this, around six or seven.

We had our own wrongs that
We tried to make right but
In the process we lost sight,
The wrongs were always trite.
Each year it just got worse and
We finally buried that beaten horse.
With a Divorce!

LOL. Hubby likes it.

He went to talk with a lawyer because the Divorce Writer wouldn't let us split things, like both still owning the house. Apparently, you can't get a divorce and keep any joint property. We're fine as room mates and will keep it that way and will continue to be legally married but we'll come up with a written, signed, and notarized agreement stating we don't consider ourselves married and have no marital obligations to each other. We'll pray that God will recognize our pathetic version of divorce. From what I interpreted from the Bible, you just need papers and we'll have a paper anyway. You might be wondering why we don't just put the house in one of our names - say it's in my name and hubby is just living here, then I go get in a car wreck and die, the bank will take hubby's house away from him. No way.

I believe the Ten Commandments were written to protect us, the same way a parent has rules to protect their children. They don't say "don't play in traffic" to steal their child's joy of playing in traffic, of course, they say it so the kid won't get hurt. "You shall not commit adultery" is perfectly understandable because we have hormones and serotonin that sort of trick us into feeling like we're in love with the person we're having sex with, which would hurt a normal marriage (you know, if your partner isn't your spouse). Speaking of that, those feelings are also what help save marriages when there has been abuse, or arguments - people always say "make up sex is great". When you don't have it, or even an apology without having to ask, all the hurtful things said snowball, just keep adding up. Last time hubby really insulted me I told him "every time was like a brick in the wall around me, the wall is very high and the roof has been put on, I'm done". Sex could have made those bricks less sturdy but there was nothing to make me feel close to hubby and everything needed for distance. I haven't been with anyone else but I can imagine how great they'd seem next to hubby if I had. Nope, still not an adulterer.

We'll have our divorce on our anniversary next month. Ah, sweet freedom.

Divorce

Hooray! Hubby and I stayed up very late talking again last night and we are getting a divorce! It should be simple enough. :-)

Update and Plan

The last time I posted, almost a year ago was the beginning and the end of my affair with my husband. He has gotten better about his drinking, doesn't start in the morning anymore (or he hides it), he's gotten better by not criticizing everything I do, and he pays attention when I talk to him but that's it, too little too late. I told him not long ago I think we should get a divorce and he agreed so I started the papers. Then a family member was apparently sick so I agreed to move out of state to help. That's when hubby said he didn't want a divorce, we could work it out. Gullible me agreed but nothing ever happened. We simply have no business being married. He asked once if I wanted to have sex and I said no, I just don't feel that way about him anymore. All I want from him is to treat me like I'm a real person, mow the lawn (literally), and pay his share of the bills.

So, of course, an extramarital affair didn't leave my mind for very long. I set up another account at Ashley Madison but the guys there seem a little creepy so I deleted my account. At least they're creative in figuring out a thousand different ways to say "beaver eater" and give themselves that screen name. (sigh with rolled eyes)

We agreed again on divorce but can't afford it. Still afraid of picking up "Mr. Goodbar" at a bar I figured this is just my stupid lot in life - a sexless, loveless, emotionless marriage and I should throw myself into work and learning, which I did.

The other night I was talking with a guy I've always found super sexy and he said out of the clear blue sky all the things I wanted to hear. He thinks I'm super sexy and understands sometimes married people are missing something. He's ready, willing and able to fill the void and that's it, no strings. He put it a lot more eloquently but there you have the summary. I told him I'd love to but am religious and married so I'd have to think about it. And good grief I have, constantly. We did kiss and it was ultra hot! I've looked up all I can find on adultery and still know it's a sin but there's nothing in the Bible that I can find that talks about being too broke and in debt to get a divorce.

Here's the plan - sitting down with "sexy man" and going over the ground rules which would be not telling anyone or getting attached. If one starts feeling too emotional it's over right away. I told him the other night hubby and I were going to get a divorce but couldn't afford it and he seemed a little sad, "naa, don't do that, he's a good guy". Yep, they know each other which isn't good. Another not good thing is he knows where I live. Good thing is we seem to want the same thing for now but he is looking for Miss Right. I hope he finds her but he must always know it's not me.

Again, I go back and forth in my head, should I? Of course not but am I going to? Probably. Am I really supposed to be this unhappy in life to get to Heaven? Probably. I won't be tempted to leave and be with "sexy man" permanently, I know now that really doesn't work at all.

I'll let you know! :-)

My Affair With My Husband Begins

We enjoyed the movie Fireproof very much! Hubby did seem to get it and so did I! Was a brilliant and entertaining way to get a very important message across! We laughed and I cried a little too, all good.

Hubby managed to refrain from alcohol all day yesterday 'til after we took care of business last night. He said he loves me so much without me saying it first! After, you know, when we were saying how great each other was and all I said "we could do this even more then once a week you know". He half jokingly said, "yeah, after we get to know each other a little better". I laughed and said "right".

I like to have the TV on while I work and on The View this morning in "Hot Topics" they were talking about relationships and said some people think you need to have kids to have a good, long term relationship (something to that effect) and Joy said psychologists have said "a relationship needs a third leg", I thought, yeah, God. I also caught myself smiling a few times today, what a nice change! I have a feeling hubby, who's just a grumpy boss to a some people at work wasn't so bad today. :-)

Life Changes

Hubby and I had a long talk before he started drinking this morning and I told him everything, I do mean everything. (edit) I forgot to tell him about the Craigslist thing. I think that's OK though since nothing happened. He hasn't started drinking yet today where normally by now he would've had a couple. We agreed neither of us want a divorce, though I had every right to ask for one. Three legitimate reasons for divorce are abandonment, addiction, and abuse. Negligence is a form of abuse and he's always so drunk even when he's here he isn't really. I told him if the roles were reversed and he thought he needed something to make him happy that I wasn't willing to do, for example whips, chains, and bondage, I would be OK with him going out and getting that and coming home to me. He said he doesn't want me to have an affair and he'll curb his drinking. I did explain the affair would be physical only, that I don't want a relationship with anyone else. I even told him I love him very much but don't know if I'm romantically in love with him anymore. We're just friends and roomates. What separates married people from other relationships is sex. I told him we don't have a marriage right now, all we have is a piece of paper. I don't know what I did wrong. He told me I haven't done anything wrong.

After a very long pause I asked what he was thinking. He said "I'm figuring out ways to spend more time with you, I can do that". Great! Oh good, I said "you're off two days a week if I could just have some time on one, even just one day a month it'd give me something to look forward to. How about if we have a standing date once a month, say the 5th of each month we'll be sober and have sex no matter what?" With our schedules that's not really possible but we could come close. He said "how 'bout once a week"! YES! "Really?" "Yes." "Yes!"

He told me to thank "the Angel" for him. I told him if it wasn't for her my affair would've started last weekend and she "held my hand" through all this. It's amazing how someone can change the course of events and change the lives of people they'd never met. I am amazed in so many ways by this whole thing! I'm so excited and drained, but mostly excited, thankful, grateful, and hopeful! We're going to watch Fireproof tonight.

I hope "the Angel" is an example for us all, I know I want to reach out and help someone now more then ever.

The Day After

For the past couple of days I've been thinking about what it would've been like if the Angel hadn't come along and pulled me up. It would have been the day after when the guilt sank in and I felt tall as an inch.

I heard a Clint Black song I love so much on the radio and thought "it wouldn't be the same".

I read one lady's question - should she tell her hubby about her affair, she's trying to be a good wife and made a mistake, and read the answers that were insensitive and not helpful.

I believe our job as Christians is to help others, not beat them down when they're already hurting.

I Thought it Was Adultery

This has been on my mind since I've heard it mentioned a couple of times including in the video on MarriageToday "The Secret to Great Sex" - that thinking about adultery IS adultery. So I looked up several versions of the Ten Commandments, all really the same but some have more information then others. None of them say that, not even close. Adultery has only one definition, voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse. Period.

Man, if thinking about sins were actually sins we'd all be in big trouble!

Better get going, I have a date with Dennis Leary's photo. :-D Oh I'm kidding but he's cute, cute, cute to me!

Slowing Down

This week and weekend didn't exactly go as planned and I'm happy about that. I am absolutely exhausted. I'm going to try to forget about all this just for a few days, concentrate on work and try to recharge. Then figure out what I need to change about myself and watch Fireproof with hubby. I want to see Infidelity too but think I want to wait a little while on that one. The Angel has gotten me to slow down so right now I'm not in any danger of jumping off the ledge, so to speak.